It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
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