I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
planned ethnic drinking holidays while bored at work thru next may. I don't suppose you have any scots or russian in you?
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
Randomize
