i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
i've created a new STD.
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Randomize
