my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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