Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
Share, now.
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
Randomize
