a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
Idk. I'm naked in front of the computer eating ribs. All is right with the world.
That's so nerdy and hot at the same time.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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