I met the friendliest cop last night
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
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