im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
Randomize
