I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
Randomize
