I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
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