Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
I don't apprectiate you insinuating that my breasts have a sort of bremuda triangle effect
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
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