I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
