a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
Randomize
