I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
That 2-CB was ass.
You mean the asprin cut with pez?
Randomize
