maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize
