I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
I've been back for one day and I've already given two bjs. Improvement from last year.
I'm experimenting with sincerity
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
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