Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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