are we going to glenview for practice??
(3 hrs later) aids
where r u? what is story? im way too high right now
so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
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