My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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