No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
I'm in the room..It's full of lost souls and sadness. I can taste the salt of their tears. This final might take a few freshman today..
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
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