I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
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