these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Randomize
