Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Randomize
