Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
MIDGETS
????
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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