I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
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