dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
