haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
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