I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
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