I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
Can't talk, ducks in the car
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
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