I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
Randomize
