What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Randomize
