So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Randomize
