So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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