Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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