I'd wear matching sweaters with you
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
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