don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
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