why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
I feel like death gave me a hand job
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
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