guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
Walking back to my car from the campus library and just saw a Nuva Ring on the sidewalk. If that doesn't scream college life, idk what does.
Randomize
