Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
I bet they don't have a scenario slide on how to deal with a suggested three way with counsel during harassment training.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Randomize
