I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
Randomize
