i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
You're breaking my sexual little heart
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
