a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
Acid is not a monday night drug
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
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