My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Also we saw a clown getting arrested. Rochester is weird.
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
Randomize
