You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize
