Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
Randomize
