so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
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