Pregnant stripper...not hot.
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
I want you more than these girls want KFC
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
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