He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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