I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Randomize
