george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Randomize
